Diaries of a Dancing Queen

Have you ever done something for fun? For some people it comes easily; a knitted sweater here, a pickup basketball game there.. but for anyone who identifies as a perfectionist, casual hobbies struggle to exist.

When I was a kid everyone and I mean everyone told me I was competitive, and maybe I am. But what so many people didn’t realize was that it wasn’t necessarily competing with others, instead, I was constantly evaluating and competing with myself.

In elementary and middle school, I was that sporty girl who excelled at soccer. My nickname on the field was “Piranha” and everyone thought I’d go on to play high school and then college soccer. In middle school, I received an award for “most volunteer hours in school history” after spending every lunch period in the library and everyone thought I’d go on to help out at the library in my high school and maybe even become a librarian someday. But in high school, I found badminton and it became my new focus. I trained almost seven days a week and ended up going undefeated in my league for two years running. This time people were almost positive I’d continue playing. Undefeated for two years? Playing in the men’s league at college tournaments? “She’ll go far in badminton,” everyone said.

But guess what? I’m not a soccer player, I stopped competing in 8th grade. I’m not a librarian, I have a degree in English but I’m currently pursuing a business career. I stopped playing badminton in college when there was nowhere for me to train or people to play with. “Lost potential” some people might say “stick with one thing!” someone else might say.

But maybe that’s not why I do the things I do.

What have these accolades, accomplishments, and experiences taught me? They’ve taught me that I’m capable. I have the power and the ability to learn something new if I put my mind to it. It taught me that setting a goal and working hard is important, but you don’t have to go “all the way” in everything. The world loves people who know what they want. The person who knows they want to be a doctor at 5 — and then goes on to do it. The person who is passionate about a single sport and then goes on to compete in the Olympics or the Women’s World Cup. Those people are superstars, but maybe that’s not for everyone.

Maybe a little is just enough for most people and maybe that’s not something to be ashamed of.

When I first started taking Yoga classes, I was still in that competitive mindset. How could I be the best? How can I work towards the perfect handstand? Make the most beautiful postures?

That all came skidding to a halt in 2020 when I was hospitalized for anorexia… again. After months in a treatment center, I was finally allowed to participate in mindful movement. That was when I came back to yoga. The way I was always meant to, mindfully. I practiced for the joy of moving. I practiced for the peace it brought to my mind. I marveled at the way my body could make some shapes and laughed through the moments when I fell out of a pose.

Recovering from my eating disorder taught me a lot, but what it taught me about yoga is that true mindfulness comes from removing perfection from the narrative. Mindfulness distracts you from the image or the form you see in the mirror and instead shows you the power of practice.

And after all, isn’t the power of practice something I’ve been cultivating over all these years?

In February 2022, I taught my first yoga class. My mission is to bring that sense of mindfulness, self-awareness, and self-love to my students. Try something new, something truly for fun, and see where it takes you.