Diaries of a Dancing Queen

Emotions have always made me uncomfortable.

Sometimes I wish emotions came with a manual. Happiness I can handle. There’s something socially acceptable about happiness. It’s something people strive for, it puts people at ease. It’s the end of the story, the “happily ever after”. Other emotions feel like stepping on eggshells or peaking around corners. How will they react to me if I feel this way? Is this something I should hide? Will I make them uncomfortable?

I recently got angry. There was a time when I would never have wanted to admit that. But what is anger? It felt purple. It was disappointment. The disappointment I feel when I’m reminded that I’m not perfect. It was shame. The shame I feel when I think I’ve let someone down. It was hurt. It was the part of me who has been wounded before. It was insecurity. A big question mark; why would anybody put up with me? It was anxiety. Is feeling this way too much? It was defensive. It was the fighter in me. The protector who didn’t want me to feel all those other things.

And? It was all okay.

My anger doesn’t make me a bad person. It’s not something I have to regret. A feeling is intangible. It’s a gut reaction. It tells you something about yourself, about how you process the world around you.

Have you ever had a mean thought? Someone once told me: You are not your first thought. You are all the thoughts that follow that. Your second and third thoughts that change “Wow that person is unreasonable” into “that person must be having a bad day” or “what would I do if I was in their situation”.

When you embrace your emotions, you give yourself time to consider your actions. When it’s okay to feel the way you do, you leave space for a decision. For a second or third thought.

Emotions are valid. They are okay. Breathe in deep and allow yourself to feel all those things. The hurt, the shame, the anxiety. They don’t have to be bad.

It’s a crowded room, but maybe you can coexist for a just a little while.