I never thought I’d say this, but I’ve been in recovery for two years now. Four years ago I was diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa, two years ago, I was an inpatient at a residential eating disorder facility for the second time, and one year ago I was wearing a swimsuit at the beach. Today, I’m sitting on a grassy hill overlooking the bay and thinking about resilience.
When I first embarked on my recovery, my life was a battlefield. I was always overcoming something, fighting with someone, fighting with myself. It was and continues to be, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When I think back on my life three, or four years ago. I was constantly uncomfortable. It was almost like I was only living out of certain areas of my body. Imagine being in a mansion and never leaving the broom closet. That was my relationship with my body.
When I was on my run last week, I started thinking about what it is I enjoy running. To be honest, it was 80 degrees, I was sweating, I was out of breath, my legs hurt, I felt heavy, and all I could think about was getting home and taking a nice warm shower. It wasn’t until I was rounding the corner onto my street that I realized what I enjoy the most is the moment I think I can’t go on. When I think “no way am I making it two more miles” and then I do. Running, for me, isn’t about the easy moments. It’s about the moments that feel impossible.
In a few weeks, I’ll be jetting off to the Caribbean with a suitcase full of books, my sunburn-prone (but very cute) boyfriend, and a swimsuit. The last few weeks have been hard, I’ve been obsessing with the way I’ll look. What other people might think. Will I hate every picture that I see?
And you know what? I might. It may feel impossible to wear a swimsuit in public. I may be preoccupied with the way that my body settles when I sprawl out on my towel. I might start comparing myself to someone else. But as someone who takes the road less traveled, who lives for the moment when I can say “challenge accepted”.
I’m going to do it anyway.
I’m decorating my mansion. I’m running miles and miles. And I’m wearing the swimsuit.
Diaries of a Dancing Queen 